Tuesday, October 27, 2009
“Wow,” I hear you saying, “What a little twirp she is!” Yes, I’m not proud of the way I felt about things last night. BUT, here’s the good part. I realized that my poor husband wasn’t actually doing anything wrong except for breathing. I realize that pregnancy can make you very irritable at times. And so, with the rational part of my brain still working a little, I held my tongue. I did not snap at Nathan. I was not mean or irritable to my sleeping husband. The only thing I said to him was that his supervisors owed me for half an hour of missed sleep and three wake ups. I told him I loved him. I gave him a kiss and a hug. I thanked God for self-control, and fell asleep. At this point I can’t always control if I feel sick or irritated. But I can control how I react to those feelings. I’ll blame the crying over stupid commercials on tv on pregnancy. That won’t hurt anyone’s feelings. I’ll blame my forgetfulness on Pregnancy Brain—I really can’t control much of that one. But if I snap at my honey because I’m irritated, or I hurt his feelings then that one’s on me. I’m sure that I may not always catch it before it spews out of my mouth, but with God’s help I’ll do my best. I really don’t want to be one of those pregnant shrew ladies like we saw at the maternity store last weekend.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
They are sooo incredibly soft. And it really does help. I have them on my nightstand and I look at them and touch them and think about someday putting them on a teeny little baby and it makes me feel better. When I'm tired or sick or sore or getting up to potty in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!!! I see them and it doesn't seem so bad. I also think that dream I wrote about a few posts down is a gift from God. The dream re-plays in my head and I feel the emotions again and it makes things seems worthwhile.
This week our baby is the size of an olive! According to babycenter.com, Your new resident is nearly an inch long — about the size of a grape — and weighs just a fraction of an ounce. She's starting to look more and more human. Her essential body parts are accounted for, though they'll go through plenty of fine-tuning in the coming months. Other changes abound: Your baby's heart finishes dividing into four chambers, and the valves start to form — as do her tiny teeth. The embryonic "tail" is completely gone. Your baby's organs, muscles, and nerves are kicking into gear. The external sex organs are there but won't be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks. Her eyes are fully formed, but her eyelids are fused shut and won't open until 27 weeks. She has tiny earlobes, and her mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct. The placenta is developed enough now to take over most of the critical job of producing hormones. Now that your baby's basic physiology is in place, she's poised for rapid weight gain.
Friday, October 23, 2009
I dreamed that I’d just had our baby, and it was a boy, and Nathan and I were leaking tears of joy and counting all of the little fingers and toes. I held him against my chest and rocked him, and then my dream cut to the next scene and I was breastfeeding for the very first time. I was holding Baby in the football hold while he suckled and all of a sudden he looked up at me with his beautiful round eyes and the world receded and I felt the most incredible rush of emotions that I’ve never felt before. It’s hard for me to describe but maybe “real” moms will understand, if this is something that you really feel. I felt this intense unconditional love like I’ve never felt before; different from the way I love my husband, and mixed in with that was intense joy and thankfulness, incredible protectiveness, and more unknown emotion that I can’t even put words to so I will call it the “mother emotion”. Maybe you moms can tell me if you felt anything similar when you looked at your babies or held them or bonded with them. I think I might’ve just gotten a taste of what a mother’s love feels like from the mother’s end.
Now the funny part about this dream and all of the dreams is that I can always feel the emotions, and I can feel and see any actions that I’ve felt or seen before, but if the action is something I’ve never experienced, my mind skips over it. For example, I’ve never felt labor, so labor wasn’t in my dream. I was pregnant, and then I had a baby. Too bad it isn’t really that painless! I’ve never breastfed so I don’t know what it feels like, so in my dream the baby was just there. I could see him latched on, and I could feel myself holding him, but I couldn’t feel the feeding. Isn’t is incredible the way your mind works? The dream left me with lots of warm fuzzies.
Here’s the other thought that I’ve been chawing on. I’m sure that this thought is not unique to me; that many pregnant women have had it before, but this is me being truly honest. I’m pretty sure that God made us be pregnant for so long so that we have time to adjust psychologically. When I first found out I was pregnant, I wasn’t thrilled. We hadn’t wanted to have children for several years and while I didn’t pray for a miscarriage, in the back of my mind (where I wouldn’t admit it even to myself because I felt so horrible) I kind of wanted one. Then on October 3rd, the day after our first doctor’s appointment, I started to bleed. And I got scared that I was going to lose my baby. And I realized that I didn’t want to lose it, that I might not have planned for it but that didn’t mean that I didn’t want it. I think that was about 5 weeks. Well the bleeding stopped after 2 weeks and I was glad that I still had the baby, but still not really excited. After all, I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t bond with it. I couldn’t see it. I was sick, and tired, but there was no visible reason for it.
Fast forward to this past Tuesday, when we had our sonogram and got to hear Baby’s heartbeat for the first time. This is the first day that I’ve been truly excited about my baby. I’ve been happy, but not excited. But I tell you, seeing the little kidney bean squirming around down there was the most exciting part of my pregnancy to date. And hearing its heartbeat?! Oh my! I was thrilled. I looked at Nathan with a huge goofy smile. The sickness and tiredness and fainting and scarred face is all for a reason! There’s a little human in there, a part of me and my husband and a reminder of the love we share for each other. It became suddenly real to me. Now I feel the emotion clogging up the back of my throat. Now I feel pregnant. Now I’m excited about it. And I can’t wait until my baby is developed enough so that I can talk to it and sing to it and read to it. I’m eager to feel it poking me and to be able to poke it back. I look forward to the day I’ll hold it in my arms and rock it and sing to it and love it.
I refuse to feel guilty about my first emotions. I think that they are very common, especially in moms who didn’t plan to be pregnant. I think that a majority of women feel these feelings, and are afraid to admit they do because they might be castigated. I think they are fairly normal. I know I have another 8 months of roller coaster emotions to go, but I think that’s part of the point of this long pregnancy. I think God designed it that way for a reason.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
On the left Baby looks like it has a little halo. That's the yolk sac. From left to right its Rump, Head, Yolk sac. Then in the picture on the right it's all labeled. It looks like a little peanut!
In the bottom picture, on the left you can see the umbilical cord going from the baby to the placenta. In the right picture you can see the arm bud, which Angie marked, and a leg bud on the lower right. Another really cool thing was that we could actually see Baby's heart beating, fluttering away in its tiny chest. Technology--pretty cool! I was so excited to see it and hear it. I feel like there really is a baby now, and now I'm excited about it. It's really there!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Two months! Doesn't seem like much of a milestone when I look at how far there is to go, but it sure seems like a milestone when I consider that two months ago, we weren't planning to be parents for four or five more years. According to babycenter.com, this week: Webbed fingers and toes are poking out from your baby's hands and feet, his eyelids practically cover his eyes, breathing tubes extend from his throat to the branches of his developing lungs, and his "tail" is just about gone. In his brain, nerve cells are branching out to connect with one another, forming primitive neural pathways. You may be daydreaming about your baby as one sex or the other, but the external genitals still haven't developed enough to reveal whether you're having a boy or a girl. Either way, your baby — about the size of a kidney bean — is constantly moving and shifting, though you still can't feel it.
Nathan came home Friday morning and scared the living daylights out of me when he came in our room. We slept late and decided to go to the mall in the afternoon. I really wanted to get a pair of maternity pants; I'm only just a little bit bigger but it seems like anything pressing on my stomach makes me sicker. After talking to my mom I decided to just go and get a pair that I can grow into. The stretchy belly part feels so nice. I did make Nathan promise not to tell anybody that I'd already bought a pair of maternity jeans though--oh the vanity! We also found a really pretty sweater that is too big for me right now, but has lots of room to grow into and will be perfect for work. It's long and soft and warm! I'm looking forward to wearing it as it starts to get colder. At the store they had a fake belly to strap on that the saleswoman said adds 3 to 4 months. I put it on under the jeans I was trying on and we cracked up. It looked so funny, all lumpy and crooked! I wish I'd taken a picture. It was good entertainment, and we were being so silly giggling in the dressing room and whispering about what I'll "really" look like when I get bigger. However I look, I hope it's better than that!
This afternoon we went to Walmart (that pit of all that is unholy) and saw Elvis. I guess he was one of the store managers, all dressed up and singing and dancing in the middle of the aisle. He shook my hand and Nathan's, and said "Thank ya vera much" in that Elvis way. I cracked up and could NOT stop laughing. We were making horrible Elvis jokes all the way to the other end of the store. It was really nice though to see how many people smiled and laughed and looked so much happier after he talked to them. When we left Walmart we stopped outside for a few minutes. I was leaning against the wall, thinking that I was going to get sick and wondering where the nearest trash can was, and then the next thing I knew I was laying on the concrete and Nathan was calling my name in a really scared voice and a whole bunch of people were talking and the cart boy was running for a manager and some other guy was calling 911. Nathan said that I took a couple of steps and as he turned to ask me where I was going, I was already out and falling. He caught me a little bit but I was already on my way down and I still face planted on the concrete. He said he was more scared than he's ever been in his entire life, because he tried to put my head on his lap and it was just limp and I was gushing blood. When I woke up I heard the guy calling 911 and I tried to tell him not to, that I was ok, but I couldn't make the words come out. I sat up and there was blood everywhere, it had clogged up my left eye and I couldn't see. A bystander or someone brought Nathan paper towels to push against my forehead to stop the bleeding. I told him I was ok, head wounds just bleed a lot. Everyone was asking me questions and the store manager asked me if I'd had anything to eat. I wanted to tell him not to worry, that I wouldn't sue. See, I can still be a smart mouth even if I pass out. I didn't say that to him though. The fire truck came and the firemen took my blood pressure and did a blood sugar test on me, and tried to talk me into going to the ER, and then the ambulance came and did the same thing. At least they sat me in the ambulance while they did their tests and asked me all their questions. It was really embarrassing sitting on the ground in front of Walmart pouring blood! I had to sign a paper that I was refusing to go to the hospital, but they still have to charge me 200 bucks, just because they answered the call. When they let me go Nathan took me to the car and sat me down while he went back in to get me some butterfly bandages. I washed the blood off and here is what everything looked like under all of it!
The lady EMT told me that my forehead looked like a snake bit me and then ripped down. I told Nathan that he can call me the sexy snake lady now. I'm sure that I will probably have scars from those ones, since I am doctoring myself instead of going to the doctor for stitches. I would, but we can't afford it. I have just a little scrape on my nose, and a deep one on my lip. The inside of my lip is also cut from my teeth. It's really swollen. I told me mom, hey! free botox! I want to take a nap, but Nathan won't let me since he's worried I have a concussion. I am humoring him, since I scared him so badly.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
This is what my baby looks like this week, and this is what baby center says about it: Hands and feet are emerging from developing arms and legs. Technically, your baby is still considered an embryo and has something of a small tail, which is an extension of her tailbone. The tail will disappear within a few weeks, but that's the only thing getting smaller. Your baby has doubled in size since last week and now measures half an inch long, about the size of a blueberry.If you could see inside your womb, you'd spot eyelid folds partially covering her peepers, which already have some color, as well as the tip of her nose and tiny veins beneath parchment-thin skin. Both hemispheres of your baby's brain are growing, and her liver is churning out red blood cells until her bone marrow forms and takes over this role. She also has an appendix and a pancreas, which will eventually produce the hormone insulin to aid in digestion. A loop in your baby's growing intestines is bulging into her umbilical cord, which now has distinct blood vessels to carry oxygen and nutrients to and from her tiny body.
One of my preggo books mentioned that my uterus has doubled in size in the last 7 weeks, and the baby will double in size this week.
On Saturday Nathan and I went to the junkyard. It was a lovely day, chilly and foggy with a little drizzle every now and again. I'm not being sarcastic, I really love days like that, and we've had about a week straight of them. We really like going to junkyards and looking for good deals. One time we found some sport mirrors for his truck that are typically expensive and difficult to find. This past Saturday we found a back bumper for my car. It's not the same color, but that's what paint is for. Parts for the Teggie are really expensive new, so we junkyard a lot. We also found a cap for my clutch fluid reservoir. My old one got lost somehow in the engine swap. They guy that owned the junkyard was pretty rude. You have to tell them what part you want and decide on a price before you can pull, which we did. But then while Nathan was pulling it the owner kept yelling at us, "What are you doing?" in an Indian accent. Nathan would remind him that we'd already agreed on a price, and he'd leave. Five minutes later, he'd do it all over again. I felt guilty, even though we weren't doing anything wrong! It was mucky and dirty and cold and fun!
Sunday was my day to sing in church and afterwards we went over to Thomas and Melissa's to watch the Cowboys game. I don't have any great regard for the misnamed American game that is actually played mostly with the hands so I took a nap in the recliner. It was exactly what the baby ordered. We grilled after the game was over (Cowboys won) which was good 'cause I was starving! Then the boys (N in white and Thomas in black) decided that they should try to start a fire in the burn barrel. Now remember, it's been raining for several weeks now, and all of the branches were soaked. A bucket of dryer lint, 2 empty charcoal bags, and the entire bottle of lighter fluid later, they made fire! Then they beat on their chests, grunted and screeched, and declared themselves MAN!
I'm doing well. Not throwing up, although I'm really nauseous. My mom told me that's still considered "morning" sickness. She suggested plain carbs such as rice or potatoes with a little butter, saltines, etc. I really like my whole grain toast with some chunky PB melting on it. At least then I'm getting some protein. The part that really irritates me is that I get really hungry, although nothing really sounds good, but as soon as I sit down and eat I take a couple of bites and I'm full. I mean FULL. Like, after-Thanksgiving-dinner-so-full-I-want-to-barf-FULL. So I wrap my food up and put in the fridge. A couple hours later, I'm STARVED again. So irritating. I don't like eating every few hours--I feel like a pig! I know it's actually better for us though.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
According to Babycenter.com, this week: This week's major developments: The nose, mouth, and ears that you'll spend so much time kissing in eight months are beginning to take shape. If you could see into your uterus, you'd find an oversize head and dark spots where your baby's eyes and nostrils are starting to form. His emerging ears are marked by small depressions on the sides of the head, and his arms and legs by protruding buds. His heart is beating about 100 to 160 times a minute — almost twice as fast as yours — and blood is beginning to course through his body. His intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to his lungs has appeared. His pituitary gland is forming, as are the rest of his brain, muscles, and bones. Right now, your baby is a quarter of an inch long, about the size of a lentil bean.
Friday, October 2, 2009
All day Tuesday at work I was feeling crummy, freezing and I knew I had a fever. I got home from work and laid right down and went to sleep. I woke up around 10ish and called my mom to see if I should take a Tylenol. (Too high fever is bad for baby). She said it was probably ok, so I took it and went back to sleep. About an hour later, I woke up sweating the fever out. I had a little soup and drove over to say hello to Nathan, who was working on the car. I stayed with him for about a half hour, then went home and went back to sleep until my alarm rang Weds morning for the Dr. appointment. My fever was back when I woke up so when we got home from the Dr. I called in sick to work and went right back to bed. I slept until about 8 that night, woke up, took more Tylenol, drank some soup, and went back to bed. That night I tossed and turned with the most horrible pain ever in my hips. I literally could not find a comfortable way to lay, and woke myself up moaning in pain several times. When Nathan got home from work around 5 AM he accidentally touched my hip and it made me cry. I don’t know what was going on, but I swear if there had been a Dr’s office open at that time of day I would’ve gone. I’m guessing that it was a combination of ligaments and stuff stretching for baby (which normally doesn’t hurt me much at this point) horribly compounded by a couple days of fever. I don’t know. I gave up on sleeping around 7 AM, called in sick again, and went out to the living room and sat in Nathan’s recliner with the TV on low. That actually felt a lot better, and I was able to nap for several hours before people started waking up. I started to feel a little better throughout the day and really enjoyed actually being able to watch TV on our TV! Everyone was avoiding me like I had the plague so by the evening my Father IL, Mother IL, Sis IL (Andrea), and her husband (Justin) were all hiding out in Andrea and Justin’s room. Usually they are all in the LR and Nathan and I are in our room. It was kind of nice, and I might be mean but I didn’t feel bad about it. The recliner was the only place I was comfortable, so that was where I was going to sit. I wish I’d had my mommy though. My mommy’s takes care of me when I’m sick.
The really scary part, though, about last night was that late in the afternoon I started having some bleeding. I got ahold of the on-call doctor at Dr. H’s practice and talked to her, and she made me feel a little better, but I was still a little scared. Just because it wasn’t a planned baby doesn’t mean that I want to miscarry. I’m doing what she told me to do, but…. I can’t wait to get out of the place where we live. There is a lot of stress living where we are. A lot. We are looking for a new place.
But, here's a happier note. In three weeks Baby has its first ultrasound, and which point we will see it (OK, we’ll see a dark blob), hear it’s heartbeat, and even find out if “Baby” is “Babies”. I’ll put up the Ultrasound picture, if I can find a way, so that all of you can ooh and aah over my dark grainy blob! ;) And you better ooh and aah, or else! We’re very excited, can you tell?